A Series of (God-Awfully Unfortunate) Events: Chapter 1

Pairings: OT12, KaiSoo(?) (more later)
Rating: PG 13 (to be safe)
Summary:   In which, Sehun is the new Assistant  professor of Language; Jongin mysteriously landed a job in the cafeteria; Kris' English major students are failing; Yixing is the calm Chinese teacher who helps the music club undercover; Kyungsoo is the sweet and oblivious, yet regularly mobbed by fans, Language professor; Luhan is the seemingly sweet Mathematics professor plotting to steal the new Assistant Professor; Jongdae is the snarky Economics professor, with a deadly inner troll; Minseok is the new Electronic Engineering professor whom no one pays any attention to; Tao is the History of Arts professor who (not so) secretly works as a part-time Gucci model; Chanyeol is the grinning Biology teacher; Baekhyun is a diva of a Chemistry teacher; Joonmyeon is the Director of  Affairs, who has no control whatsoever and the Dean of the college is a man so evil that the devil drinks wine with him (by devil we mean Cho Kyuhyun).
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This Could Be the Start of Something New...
[Or: what starts at "why the hell did I come here?!" and ends at "you are my mortal enemy— FOR LIFE!!!"]
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Oh Sehun is your average Joe, except he's Korean, so maybe he's an average "Kim", but he's obviously an "Oh", not a "Kim" so... anyway, the point is, if he was an American. he'd be an average Joe. An average guy, with an average family, from an average town, with an average job, until his parents forced him to go to Seoul for work.... but he's still an average guy- wondering what he's done to end up in this loony bin.
It hasn't been five minutes since he's entered the campus and two minutes of those five have been wasted by a human traffic jam, caused by the onlookers of a fight between two people, one of whom looked like a very tall Psychotic Clown, with a weird blonde mushroom growing out of his head and the other was a very tiny (or did he just look tiny because of the giant mushroom guy, wonders Sehun) guy, who looked like he was the spokesperson for Eyeliner rights, both of whom were hurling insults at each other...

"You Sone of a bicarbonate!"
"You're the Sone! The Sone of a Brachybacterium!"
"Why you freaking nitrate of ammonia-"

Sehun hadn't waited there for much longer before making dash in the opposite direction and yet by some sad twist of fate, here those two are sitting opposite him in the staff lounge, no longer fighting but with each other but now Ginormous-Psycho-Mushroom dude has his arm draped over Eyeliner-Poster-boy, who's reading over sheets of paper while trying worm his way out of the taller one's grip. On Sehun's right there's a person who looks like a little kid, well if truth be told, like a cherubic  little girl, and this Little Girl-Guy has his foot across the couch on the lap of a very calm looking Chinese man, who actually looks more dazed and lost than calm. Then next to the Mushroom-Eyeliner duo is a man with the cheek bones of a Greek God, except he'd tripped Sehun on his way to the couch and flashed him a very disarming grin so Sehun decides that he's officially Mr. Cheekbones-of-Hades, there's also a Chinese guy with panda eyes who looks way too fashionable for a professor (also he has a strange emo aura), a guy with really squishy looking cheeks and a really tall imposing guy, who has not said a word, or lifted his eyes off his book (Premeditated Murder Made Easy) so Sehun's giving him a wide berth. Somewhere in the middle of this zoo, his old friend Jongin walks in. Jongin has landed the head position in the cafeteria and Sehun wonders exactly what horrors the students are in for.
But before he has a chance to wonder exactly how may hospitals will be full by the end of the day, the Director of Affairs, who's name Sehun knows is Joonmyeon, walks in with a smile that says "look-at-me-lowly-beings-I'm-an-angel" but he really looks like somebody's grandpa trying to be cool.
"Sehun ssi, glad you'll be joining us, you too Jongin ssi."
"Seriously?!" Squishy-Cheeks looks at at the Director with incredulous eyes. "You're giving cafeteria boy a welcome too?!" Then he looks over at Jongin apologetically. "No offense bro." Jongin shrugs.
"Anyhoo," the Joonmyeon carries on, "let me introduce you. That's Luhan, he lectures math." Little-Girl guy gives him a real angelic smile, that leaves Sehun mildly disturbed. "That's Chanyeol, Chem." Psychotic-Mushroom gives him a psychotic grin. "That's Baekhyun, Bio." The Eyeliner-poster-boy looks up in disdain.
"Hey kids, and it's Bio-logy."
"Yeah, okay, that's Jongdae, he's for Eco." Mr. Cheekbones-of-Hades grins at them.
"What's up shortstuff?" Jongin and Sehun raise eyebrows, because Jongdae looks atleast a head shorter than both of them.
"That's Tao, History of Art and Kris, English." Panda-Eyes and Potential-Murderer give him curt nods. "This is Minseok, Electronics." Squishy-Cheeks pouts and then smiles kindly (is that pity in his eyes?) at the two. "And this is Yixing, Chinese." There is no response as the dazed Yixing stares at the opposite wall with his eyes half-shut, and his ears plugged with purple earphones. "Yixing? Yixing? Yixi-"
BAM!
The door flies open and Yixing jumps up with a "I swear I was paying attention!", while Luhan's legs drops to the floor and he utters a yelp of protest. The person at the door looks like a sorry mess.
"I'm... sorry... I'm... late...." he manages to spout among the panting and gasping. Sehun notices his shirt looks terribly crumpled and his hair is more than askew, while his large eyes are watering and his cheeks are red. Sehun thinks this pint sized man looks like a soft toy, and he's about to say that to Jongin, when he realises that his friend is staring unabashedly at the new comer, with eyes wide enough to match his.
"Ayo! Wassup D.O.!" Luhan calls out chreerily, two decibels too loud and everyone visibly winces.
"Mobbed again Soo?" Minseok asks with a pat on "Soo's" back. He nods woefully.
"I don't even... they need some... so many people!!!!" Baekhyun rises from Chanyeol's grasp and gives his seat to "Soo" who gets engulfed into a bear-hug by the large Biology professor.
"Yeol-can't-breathe-let-go-" Chanyeol lets go with a hurried apology. He hears something snap, actually snap next to him, and he realises that Jongin has broken a pencil in two with his fingers while looking at Chanyeol like he was going to end up on the afternoon's lunch menu soon.
"How do they even find you?" Sehun almost fell out of his seat in shock at the deep baritone of Kris. "Soo" shook his head in utter defeat.
"I swear, someday I will find out." Sehun has the intense urge to hug this tiny man. He notices Jongin's knuckles have turned white.
"This is Kyungsoo," says Joonmyeon. "Sehun ssi, you'll be his assistant lecturer."
There's a suddenly loud crash and Sehun realises that Jongin has fallen out of his seat, and is now looking at Sehun with a face halfway between "I'm-in-terrible-pain" and "I-will-end-your-life"... why the second, Sehun does not know.
"You teach Languge?" Jongin asks Kyungsoo politely (too polite, thinks Sehun), while trying to act as if nothing had happened. Kyungsoo looks at him with the same curiosity that one might use to look at a monkey in a zoo.
"Yes, I do.."
"He totally D-O-e-s!" Quips a grinning Luhan. Kyungsoo rolls his eyes.
"Isn't it a bit too early to make fun of my last name?"
"Of course not Do-nut my man!"
"Argh!" Says Kyungsoo, ruffling his own hair in defeat. Suddenly Sehun feels himself being hauled upwards by two pairs of strong hands, and he lets out a very high pitched yelp.
"I'm borrowing him for a bit," says Jongin between gritted teeth and proceeds to drag him out of the door, ignoring the raised eyebrows and Jongdae's call of "play nice kids!" and slam him against the wall at the nearest corner.
"You're the Assistant prof.?" He demands.
"Ye-ah..." Sehun is very unsure of where this is headed.
"No~!" Wails Jongin and slumps to the floor. "You... but I... I mean this.... I- I don't want to work in the cafe!!"
"Why'd you even get a job there? You're-"
"Don't talk to me Oh Sehun!"
"What? You dragged me out here-"
"Zip! Do not talk!"
"Wha-?"
"Oh Sehun you're officially my mortal enemy- FOR LIFE!"
"Morta-"
"For LIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!" Says Jongin before stomping off. A second later Sehun hears a crash and a groan.
"Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry!" He peeks around the corner to see Jongin sprawled on the floor with a very concerned Kyungsoo hovering over him.
"Ooooh, you've D-O-n-e it now," whistles Luhan.
"Not now for god's sake! Are you okay?" Jongin groans and opens his eyes. Sehun notes his friend's interesting red colour over his tan skin.
"I'm hot!" Says Jongin springing up, and Kyungsoo takes a hasty step backwards, while Sehun mentally facepalms. "I- I mean I'm cool! Not- not that cool, but cool as in 'hey I'm okay'... oh wait that rhymed and umm.. I uhh-" He catches a sight of Sehun's impassive face around the corner. "For LIIIIIIIFE!!" And he bolts towards the stairs, leaving a very amused Luhan and Yixing and a very confused Kyungsoo in his wake. In fact, Sehun can almost hear Kyungsoo's internal comment on Jongin's sanity, or the lack of it.
So a loony bin, that just became loonier thanks to Kim Jongin, contemplates Sehun as he walks through the corridors. Students start pouring in, some looking at him in vague interest, others hurriedly rushing past.
He sees Chanyeol and Baekhyun animatedly discussing something, Lunhan, Yixing and Jongdae with their heads conspiratorially together, Joonmeyon walking through the corridors, smiling perkily at the students who  could not care less, Kris walking off with his nose still in the book ( Sehun is going to give him a very wide berth)  and Tao occasionally pauses to check his reflection in the mirror.
Yes, right now if someone could read Oh Sehun's mind, they'd hear him ask exactly what sin he's committed to end up here.
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This is the first chapter in the series, the following ones are going to focus on a few members at a time, rarely all 12.
I hope to get better at humor as I write so please bear with me and I'm happy to receive suggestions.
Xie xie,
ElfinJoy
P.S- in the summary, if you click on the highlighted names, you will get images of the members as I imagine them to be in the story!
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Cut Scene 1: Kim Jongdae and his Tape.

"Not fair... even Lunch-Boy gets a welcome and I got nothing when I came last month. Just 'Hey Minseok, this is your schedule, have fun.' Who the hell has fun in Trical?! People just stare-"
"SUUURPRIISE!!!"
"OH MY- oh very funny Jongdae... what's that?"
"This is a tape recorder and why yes, I did record my voice and then digitally layer it eleven times so it sounds like bunch of people and ta~da~!"
"Where the hell... do you even get the time...?"
"Wouldn't you like to know my little Minseokkie, ehehehehehee."
"I'm not your little Minseo-."
"Ehehehehehehee."
"The whole evil-hand-rubbing thing isn't working, so sto-."
"Ehehehehehehee."
"And nor is the high-pitched-maniacal laugh, just sto-"
"Ehehe-" THUNK!
"OH MY GOD! Did you just knock Jongdae out with that text book?!"
"Lu..han... I uhh-"
"HEY GUYS! WE NEED TO HOST A PARTY IN HONOUR OF MINSEOK! LIKE NOW!!"
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Wake Me Up II: Exo Drabbles

Kris
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The muffled sound of rain has a gentle soporific effect as you drift somewhere between sleep and wake. The grey sky filters in through your nearly closed lids, seeming more beautiful than its dull reality. The novel lies forgotten under your cheek. The hard library table seems so comfortable. You really should not have pulled off that all-nighter to finish your English assignment, but you did, and the end result is spending your free fourth period in the library.
Something soft pokes your arm a few times. You ignore it. Then a deep, gravely voice softly says, "students aren't allowed to sleep in the library."
You jerk off the table. You probably look like a train wreck, which is the worst possible thing you could look like in front of him.
Wu Yifan.
His eyes glint sharply, speaking volumes more of the teasing behind those words than his face.
"Sunbae..." You mumble, looking everywhere but at his face. The last thing you want is to stare into his eyes and turn red.
"Rough party last night?" His smirk is well pronounced now. Here come the butterflies.
"I wish." Months of practice has rendered you able to utter short sentences in front of him without sound like you could use english lessons... though the idea of lessons with Mr. Vancouver doesn't seem all that bad. He clicks his fingers in front of your face. You blink at him with a start. You've been dreaming about him— right in front of him! The tip of your ears burn in embarrassment.
"Do you always dream of him?"
"What...?"
"Whoever gets that silly smile on your face." The butterflies in your stomach flutter in a whirlwind of confusion.
"I- I..." You pause for a second, knowing your face is probably redder than a London tour bus, and say, "I have no idea what your talking about sunbae." He runs a hand through his hair and leans back into the chair, putting his hands behind his head.
"I'm just saying- lucky guy." Your eyes turn wider than an owl (or for that matter, your classmate, Do Kyungsoo's). The old Dream Boy joke again... going on ever since you blanked out at a council meeting... for the record, it was his new spiked hair.
"Wha-?" You blink at him rapidly, wondering if its the sleep that's causing you to hallucinate. He laughs, the deep sound making you flush and the butterflies stir again. Then, there is a loud crack of lightening. The sudden shock sends you gasping to clutch at the sleeves of his shirt.
"Scared of thunder?" His lips are pulled into a teasing smirk, but his eyes are clouded with.... worry?
You pull back with an attempt to look dignified (and fail miserably). "I was surprised." Then you look out of the adjacent window, into the thick curtain and sigh softly. "So much for english class..."
"No umbrella?" The voice is too close. You snap back into your chair with wide eyes and flush cheeks. He has been leaning close to look out of the window. You shake your head jerkily, still trying to process the proximity. "I have one, and I'm headed to the council room." You look at him with furrowed eyebrows.
"Students' Council Room.... now?"
"I'm the president, I can do what I want." That playful smirk is back. You roll your eyes. "I may not be Mr. Dream Boy, but you shouldn't turn down the umbrella." You resist the urge to roll your eyes again and tell him that he is "Mr. Dream Boy"... but of course you're not that much of an idiot.
"Gamsahaminda sunbae," you try a half bow, but in your groggy state, end up hitting your head on the table. There is a sharp sting of pain along your forehead and you bury your face in your hands.
Two hands gently tug your wrists away from your face. Through teary eyes you can see the blurry face of Wu Yifan, looking at you with an unreadable expression.
"So careless," he mumbles softly and then, despite your squeak of protest, proceeds to rub the hurt area with the pad of his thumb. Remember the butterflies? They're doing the samba now. Your face could be a colour catalog for red paint.
"Sunbae..." you try to pull away, but he utters a small, irritated noise and you sit still in submission. Besides, he's doing a pretty good job at the headache too.
"Stop trying to run to Dream Boy." Something inside you snaps in sudden irritation. And you slap his hand away.
"I wish I could but he's too busy playing President." Your words make no sense to you, let alone to him, but he seems to have caught onto something. He shrugs, picks up your books and you follow meekly, not daring to utter another word.
He doesn't say anything either. That is, not until the two of you have reached the middle of the football pitch (because crossing it is quicker than going all the way around it to the other building) and he stops, and you realise, you have no where to run in the pouring rain.
"You should have said something earlier, and here I was wasting my jealousy," the smirk is back, and in tandem with the playful look in his eyes. You dart a look left, then right and decide to stare at the mud on your shoes, because that is all you can do, short of praying for sudden-death-by-lightning.
"Ku ai de baobei."
The voice is deep, low, heavy, and its suddenness shocks you into lifting your head. He's much to close, looking at you with the smouldering eyes that make you feel so hunted and drawn in at once. This time though, he shuts your squeak of protest by kissing you.
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For Qiuyue jie,
Hope, though as lame as this is, it makes you blush (^•^)
For Mink jie,
Hope you had lovely exams (^w^)

Kiss List

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"Guys! Holy cow! Guys!!" You race through the library, ignoring the dirty looks thrown at you by the librarian, stopping at a table of four boys, only two of whom were actually reading. "I'm dead, so dead!!" You wail, earnings still more dirty looks from the students at neighboring tables. Luhan looks up from the half solved crossword in his hand.
"Forgot your homework?" Yixing shakes his head without raising it from his book and counter,
"No, she lost something again."
"Umm... a bit of both, actually..." you mumble, shuffling your feet underneath the table. Jongdae raises an eyebrow at your embarrassed face.
"You forgot-lost your homework-something? What does that even mean?"
"No, pabo— you see, I lost my notebook, so I'll go to class looking like I haven't done my homework.... and it's Cho seongsaengnim's class... he's scarier than hell when you don't get your homework... remember what he did to Jongin?" The lot of you of you shudder involuntarily in memoriam of poor Kim Jongin who carried desks from the first floor to the third till he lost feeling in his arms.
"Why don't you explain it to him?" Asks Joonmyeon, his face twisted with fatherly worry (sometimes you wonder if he's ever going to find something that doesn't worry him). You shake your head.
"It's not just that, you know.... there's something in that notebook that I don't want anyone to see." The thought of it makes you red. Jongdae grins at you.
"Everyone knows your grade in math, nothing can be worse." You resist the strong urge to throw the nearest Oxford Dictionary at his head.
"This is." You say firmly, ignoring his comment with the roll of an eye. Luhan suddenly looks at you with a smile too wide to be normal (and frankly, frightening enough to send chills up your spine).
"This list," he begins, and you begin to regret your existence. "Does it contain certain situations, which involve you and a significant other in very, very close proximity?" The grin is positively diabolic now. You blush a violent shade of red and kick under the table, only to miss his leg and hit Joonmyeon's- which contorts his face into a grimace, his angelic features long lost. You mumble a hurried apology.
"What list?" Asks Jongdae curiously.
"How. Did. You. Read. It. Gege?" You ask, between gritted teeth. His smile reaches epic proportions.
"You really shouldn't leave things like that lying on your desk," says Yixing, looking at you languidly, his chin propped up on his palms. You glare at them. Even non-nosey Joonmyeon has had his curiosity piqued.
"What list?" Demands Jongdae. Luhan grins like the devil reincarnate.
"Wouldn't we all like to know," he says looking very suggestively at you. You look from Joonmyeon's polite curiosity to Jongdae's (very) impolite one.
"There you are." There! The voice of your savior! Your knight in shining armor! Your guardian angel! Your— your classmate, Do Kyungsoo (though right now, he's all of the above for you).
"Nae?" You look at him calmly, though your insides are screaming at you to glomp him for saving you.
"We need to work on our english project," he says and then looks around the table at the others, particularly at Luhan's devilish grin and falters, "did I interrupt something?"
"No—"
"Sit down Kyung," Luhan cuts you off. Your eyes grow wider than Kyungsoo's (and you thought it wasn't possible). "Let us enlighten you."
You jump up and grab your erstwhile savior by the crook of his arm.
"He'll listen some other time!" You start pulling him away, knowing that Joonmyeon and Jongdae would know everything before you could say 'kimchi'. Atleast one out of three rescued isn't a complete loss.
"Spawns of Pure Evil," you mutter darkly as you get between two bookshelves. Kyungsoo laughs and you release his arm with a start. His face turns into the, all-too-well-know, 'heart-shaped' smile (which stops your heart) and you know you'd be lying if you said you didn't have a small- wait, no, a massive- crush on your classmate (who would have been your sunbae, if the both of you weren't taking Advanced Language together).
"—wondering if this belongs to you?" Something is thrust under your nose and you realise that while you've been staring at his face, he's holding something out to you.... something that suddenly makes Luhan seem like a poodle.
"Ye-yes, that..." You trail off, waiting, watching for him to make some snide reference to the all incriminatong list— but he's smiling as usual. "Thank you, I spent all morning looking for it." You laugh, partially in relief and mostly at your own thoughts, while he turns to the shelf, going back to hunting down books, his lips pursed into an adorable pout of concentration. So much will power wasted in not breaking out into a fit of giggles.
You take a deep breath, and flip the notebook. The math homework is there, but more importantly, the list is not.
The list contains exactly what Luhan implied it did— a list of your favorite situations, to be.... kissed in. It's an embarrassing list to be sure, well, in the hands of Lay or Luhan, its probably a lethal weapon, and you shudder at the armageddon that would come as a result of its exposition. You trail your eyes over the expanse of the tall bookcases, hoping for some brilliant spark of some sort to hit you. It's about then that you notice it. Sticking out harmlessly from Do Kyungsoo's back pocket, with the tell-tale song of your pink lipbalm on it, while you mentally flail wondering exactly why you'd never learnt to pickpocket in your free time.
He turns slowly, feeling your hard gaze. "Yes?" Your breath hitches for all the wrong reasons.
"You-you...." You're pretty certainly making, what Luhan calls "bunny eyes", at him. The corners of his lips quirk into a small smile that is so infuriatingly teasing that, if you didn't worship his face, you could have punched him.
"Oh this?" He dangles the small scrap paper between his thumb and forefinger. "Here."
You stare at it for a long while, thinking Luhan's armageddon seemed much more pleasant. Hesitation and haste wage wars against each other inside you and you eventually pluck it out of his hands, with clammy, shaking fingers. He calmly turns back to his literary hunt. You blink and wonder if he's seen what's in the list. You guess not by the lack of his reaction, and your face breaks into a wide smile.
"I don't know about the rest but I can help with the first two... about now." The smile freezes in place as your eyes grow owl wide. He turns to you with an ordinary enough look, but the look in his eyes makes Luhan feel like an Archangel. You gulp.
"Are you saying you'll kiss me?" You're almost shocked at how natural you make that sound.
"That's not a bad idea." Yes. Luhan is the God of Kindness and Benovelence compared to this.
He walks close, almost teasing, no, daring you to do something.
2. A tie kiss...
1. A library kiss..
You reach out to the soft fabric of his tie, holding it gingerly between your fingers, and give a small tug. He laughs softly.
"What happened to Miss Taekwondo?" He cups your cheek with his palm and presses his lips onto yours.
Sure it's incredibly cliched, and Luhan might be the end of you if he hears of this but it's the best first kiss to you.
Your fingers curl around the tie tightly as he pulls away. There is somewhat of a half-smirk on his face, which changes into a wide smile. You bite your lips to stop a smile, but that fails.
"Come for lunch someday, lets see what we can do about the other ones." You laugh before he kisses you lightly again. When he pulls away, his irises slightly shining in the sunlight from the bay window next to you, you're slightly breathless, and definitely light headed. So cheesy, but so perfect.
A few minutes, and kisses, later, you walk through the library, your little finger hooked through his, and notice that the table everyone was at seems emptier. Yixing and Joonmyeon the model students,obviously having left for their classes early, leaving Jongdae, who's fallen asleep on an open book, and Luhan—
Luhan sits with his elbow propped upon the table, his chin in his palm, looking... no, staring, at Jongdae, as if he's seeing the latter for the first time. You don't know who is more vulnerable, the oblivious Jongdae or the observing Luhan. You smile and decide to let him be.... but of course not.
Kyungsoo watches in amusement as you walk behind Luhan, and stoop to whisper,
"Lulu ge, would you like to borrow ideas from my list?"
Luhan whips around with the look of a cat caught staring at milk. Then as the words sink in, he turns pink and accidentally kicks Jongdae, who looks like a little Beagle pup as he awakens and blinks, asking Luhan, in a voice heavy with sleep and accented Chinese,
"Wei shen me....?" Luhan turns into hybrid between a tomato and a beet. Kyungsoo starts laughing as Jongdae gives a confused stare. You bite your cheeks to stop yourself from doing the same.
Revenge is sweet.
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Inspired by a dream I had.
And an embarrassed Luhan is the cutest thing ever, beagle Chen is cuter!!!
(I imagine the reader a first year, Kyungsoo and Jongdae as second years and Lulu, Lay and Suho as final year students)
Read and review!! (^•^)/
Elfinjoy