A Series of (God-Awfully Unfortunate) Events: Chapter 2

Pairings: OT12, KaiSoo(?) (more later)
Rating: PG 13 (to be safe)
Summary:   In which, Sehun is the new Assistant professor of Language; Jongin mysteriously landed a job in the cafeteria; Kris' English major students are failing; Yixing is the calm Chinese teacher who helps the music club undercover; Kyungsoo is the sweet and oblivious, yet regularly mobbed by fans, Language professor; Luhan is the seemingly sweet Mathematics professor plotting to steal the new Assistant Professor; Jongdae is the snarky Economics professor, with a deadly inner troll; Minseok is the new Electronic Engineering professor whom no one pays any attention to; Tao is the History of Arts professor who (not so) secretly works as a part-time Gucci model; Chanyeol is the grinning Biology teacher; Baekhyun is a diva of a Chemistry teacher; Joonmyeon is the Director of  Affairs, who has no control whatsoever and the Dean of the college is a man so evil that the devil drinks wine with him (by devil we mean Cho Kyuhyun).
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Crouching Gull, Hidden Panda...
[Or: what starts as "Gull I can't explain what I feel" and ends at "You're a model??!"]
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The staff room is dark when Sehun enters, only lit by four candles on a desk against one side. The others sit around minding their own businesses, occasionally  looking at each other with raised eyebrows. Sehun moves to turn on a light.
"STAHP GULL!!!" Sehun recoils. On one end of the room, Jongdae sits on a desk, with his legs crossed, his eyes closed, hands aloft by his sides and a towel wrapped around his head like a turban.
"Wha-" Begins Sehun.
"Sssshhh, I'm getting feeeeeeeels."
"What the..?!"
"FeeeEEEeeeEEEeeEEEels."
Kyungsoo throws Jongdae a scathing look in the dark as the "ee"s subside. Luhan flourishes his arm towards his right.
"Welcome to Jongdae time, bro." Sehun raises his brows.
"Wha-?" He gets cut off once more.
"Hush gull! I can't explain what I feeeeel."
"Who's asked you to?" Hisses Baekhyun from the couch. Chanyeol looks oddly fascinated. Jongin however stares unblinkingly at Kyungsoo from his chair.
"My Feeeeeels!!" Exclaims Jongdae again.
"What the hell are you feeling?!" Snaps Minseok.
"I'm feeeeeeeling something......."
"What is Jongdae doing?" Whispers Sehun to Luhan and Yixing.
"GULL!!" Sehun jumps when he realises Jongae has some how crept up behind him. "I'm not the awesome Kim Jongdae, right now, I'm The Chensing Masheen." He finishes with a flourished bow, which causes the turban to tumble off of his head and he saves it, except now an edge of the towel covers his right eye.
"Don't ask the question. Don't ask the question. Don't ask the question," mutters Yixing beside him.
"Wha..? Anyway, what is "The Chensing Masheen?"
"Aaaand he asked the question," groans Luhan. Yixing facepalms. Jongdae grins like a cat with cream and and rubs his paws together.
"I'm so glad you asked my ignorant friend," he purrs, "The Chensing Masheen will answer all your most burning questions!"
"What questions?"
"Aaaaand he asked again!" Luhan throws Sehun a dirty look to which he receives a blank stare. Jongdae circles the furniture like a vulture and does his best Dracula stance behind Kris.
"'Vell my leetteel friend," Kris cringes at the sound. "I can tell you everytheeeng! Everytheeeeeng. Vat do you vant to know."
"Ummm... are you identity confused?" Pipes up Jongin. "Cuz the Dracula voice is weird...."
"GULL!!" Kris flinches as Jongdae Jumps on top of the couch. "You are ze confused one!"
"Huh...?"
"Jongdae stop jumping on the couch." Mutters Kris.
"Uh-uh-un gull~ You know this is Jongdae time." Kris rubs his temples.
"Just get off the couch."
"Just get off the couch what~?"
"Please?" Sighs Kris. Jongdae takes one leg off of the couch.
"How about nah gull~" He says in a singsong voice and jumps harder for extra effect. Kris' eyes snap open.
"How about yes." There's something strangely commanding in his voice that makes Jongdae stop for a brief second, which gives Kris enough time to grab the shorter around the mid riff and hoist him up.
"Hey- Dude- What the hell??!!"
"Tao!" Yells Kris, but apparently Tao doesn't need to be told as he grabs Jongdae's thrashing legs and the two hold him between then swinging in the air.
"Gull this is not funny!! You lost a bet to me!! I shall have my Jongdae time!!"
"No you don'- oof!" Groans Kris as Jongdae's bony elbow hits him in the chest. "I've had enough of you calling people aquatic birds and prancing around like Dracula!"
"I will have my revenge I tell you! I will return and haunt you to your graves! Revenge!! Reven-" Thud.
"Oops, that was totally unintentional," grins Tao, as he maneuvers Jongdae past the door correctly. Jongdae glowers darkly.
"Let's go dump this body Tao..." Mutters Kris as Jongdae gives him a horrified look.
The bell rings and the other professors start filing out to their classes. Jongin grudgingly returns to his post at the cateen throwing longing glances back at Kyungsoo as he does, only to bash into Yixing's bookshelf and rush out from under Kyungsoo's very confused gaze.
 Kyungsoo taps Sehun on the shoulder."You don't have to come with me for this class, I'll call for you later, okay?" Sehun nods.
"Umm... hyung?" He eyes Kyungsoo carefully, judging the only sane person in a staff room full of insane people. he thinks it's afe to question him and expect a normal answer.
"Hmm?"
"What was that all about?" Kyungsoo laughs.
"Well, around last sem, he won a bet against us and ever since he gets "Jongdae Time" once a month to piss the life out of us. It usually ends that way too." He sighs. "Well, I'll be off... and uh.. not to be rude... but is your friend okay in the head...? I mean he is the guy responsible for our food."
"He used to be.... almost normal..." Says Sehun, pretty much unsure of Jongin's mental heath himself. Kyungsoo smiles knowingly and picks up his books.
Sehun starts working on reading some student essays and wonders what language he's reading for the most part (it's supposed to be Korean) until someone clears his throat nest to him.
"Yeah...?" He looks uneasily up at Tao. For the three weeks that he's been here, Tao is the person he's spoken the least too, and it probably had something to do with the fact that the other gave off a dangerous emo aura and stuck to Kris like glue for the most part, so he doesn't quite process it when Tao asks him a favour- specially a favour like this.
"You want me to what?!"
"Umm.... go shopping with me....? The mall is fifteen minutes away!" Sehun thinks he looks like an a wolf trying to make puppy eyes, and oddly succeeding.
"So creepy...," mutters Sehun.
"What?"
"I said, what happened to Kris hyung?"
"He's busy... doing Canadian stuff," shrugs Tao.
"Wha- what about Kyungsoo hyung? He could go with you after class."
"He's busy doing Korean stuff...?
"How about Luhan hyung? Or Yixing hyung?" Sehun takes a last shot.
"Oh them... they're busy doing... stuff..." Says Tao ominously.
"Stuff...?"
"It's best nobody knows what those two are up to." He shudders. Sehun wonders, at the back of his mind, if its Jongin that's affecting the sanity level of this place or is the place affecting Jongin? He sighs in resignation.
"Yeah okay, I'll go." Tao's eyes turn into crescents as he gives Sehun an awkward hug (well it's awkward for Sehun) and he runs out calling,
"See you downstairs in five!"


"HOLY SHIT!!! That's you!! And that!! And that one too!!"
"Wh-wha- hehe.. you must be seeing things...."
"No I'm positive it's you!" Sehun flaps the magazine at Tao's face, while the latter takes a step backwards.
"That's just some, very good-looking guy, who happens to look like me," insists Tao. Sehun raises his eyebrows and points to the two posters on either sides of the display window of the store.
"What about those?"
"Same, ridiculously good-looking guy."
"I don't believe it! You're a Gucci model??!"
"Shhhhh!!" Tao covers Sehun's mouth with a hand. "It's supposed to be a secret!!"
"Pfft, everyone knows," says a soft voice behind Sehun, causing him to jump into Tao.
"Tsk, tsk, kids these days. Mind the PDA," says another voice. Sehun detaches himself from Tao and looks to see Yixing and Luhan.
"You practically wanted us to know," says Luhan. "You left all those magazines when they came out and dragged us to the mall all the time."
"You've been played kid," grins Yixing. Sehun raises an eyebrow at Tao who blushes.
"I-it's not like that! I really do have stuff to buy," he says, ducking behind a shirt rack.
"Sure~ Come on XingXing, our job here is done~"
"Don't call me that."
Sehun watches the two of them leave and looks at Tao.
"How did they get here...? I thought they had class...."
"Noooobody will ever know..." Tao's voice wafts over from the shirt section.
"Talk about your crouching dragon, hidden panda," sighs Sehun. Tao peeps out from behind a section of fluorescent shirts and grins at him.
"You can pick anything you like, you know? One for free. I'll put it on my tab."
"You can do that?" Tao nods. Sehun returns him a grin of his own. "You're a good man, my friend."
"So we're cool?"
"Oh we are colder than cool," says Sehun before attacking a sunglasses stand with gusto.
"Err... okay then..."
"Is there a price limit?"
"Yes.."
"We're a little less cool now."

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This is a picture of the staff room and Suho's office.
I hope to get better at humor as I write so please bear with me and I'm happy to receive suggestions.
Xie xie,
ElfinJoy
P.S- in the summary, if you click on the highlighted names, you will get images of the members as I imagine them to be in the story! Also if you click the highlighted words when Sehun talks about Tao being a model, you'll see the pictures (I think you'll want to, after all who doesn't want a hot Taozi!) 
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Cut Scene 2: Kim Jongdae and his Tape again.

"So wanna go get gelato later XingXing...?"
"I told you not to call me that, Luhan."
"Why?? It sounds cute!"
"No, it sounds silly."
"What? Dude! I've given you the most amazing name on planet earth and you slander it like that!! For shame Zhang Yixing! For-"
"SUUURRRRRPRIISE!!!"
"AAAAARRGH!!"
"HEY! Get off of me Luhan!" Click. 
"Oh my pure blackmail gold."
"What the hell Jongdae just give it back!!"
"What the hell Lu, get off of me!!"
"Ooo you two are so precious."
"Get off of my lap you oaf!!
"Who are you calling an oaf!!?? I'm as light as a fawn! And give that back Jongdae!!"
"Nope my pretties, I'm so milking this one! Mwahahahhah!!"
"I think my thighs are dead."
"Shut up XingXing! Get back here Kim Jongdae!!"
"Catch me if you can~ Mwahahahhah!!"
"No Xing- Put that diction-"
"Stop right there!!"
"Nope~ Mwahaha-" THUNK!
"Uhh.... we might have to dispose off of his body XingXing." THUNK!
"Huh... looks like I have to dispose two now..."
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A Series of (God-Awfully Unfortunate) Events: Chapter 1

Pairings: OT12, KaiSoo(?) (more later)
Rating: PG 13 (to be safe)
Summary:   In which, Sehun is the new Assistant  professor of Language; Jongin mysteriously landed a job in the cafeteria; Kris' English major students are failing; Yixing is the calm Chinese teacher who helps the music club undercover; Kyungsoo is the sweet and oblivious, yet regularly mobbed by fans, Language professor; Luhan is the seemingly sweet Mathematics professor plotting to steal the new Assistant Professor; Jongdae is the snarky Economics professor, with a deadly inner troll; Minseok is the new Electronic Engineering professor whom no one pays any attention to; Tao is the History of Arts professor who (not so) secretly works as a part-time Gucci model; Chanyeol is the grinning Biology teacher; Baekhyun is a diva of a Chemistry teacher; Joonmyeon is the Director of  Affairs, who has no control whatsoever and the Dean of the college is a man so evil that the devil drinks wine with him (by devil we mean Cho Kyuhyun).
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This Could Be the Start of Something New...
[Or: what starts at "why the hell did I come here?!" and ends at "you are my mortal enemy— FOR LIFE!!!"]
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Oh Sehun is your average Joe, except he's Korean, so maybe he's an average "Kim", but he's obviously an "Oh", not a "Kim" so... anyway, the point is, if he was an American. he'd be an average Joe. An average guy, with an average family, from an average town, with an average job, until his parents forced him to go to Seoul for work.... but he's still an average guy- wondering what he's done to end up in this loony bin.
It hasn't been five minutes since he's entered the campus and two minutes of those five have been wasted by a human traffic jam, caused by the onlookers of a fight between two people, one of whom looked like a very tall Psychotic Clown, with a weird blonde mushroom growing out of his head and the other was a very tiny (or did he just look tiny because of the giant mushroom guy, wonders Sehun) guy, who looked like he was the spokesperson for Eyeliner rights, both of whom were hurling insults at each other...

"You Sone of a bicarbonate!"
"You're the Sone! The Sone of a Brachybacterium!"
"Why you freaking nitrate of ammonia-"

Sehun hadn't waited there for much longer before making dash in the opposite direction and yet by some sad twist of fate, here those two are sitting opposite him in the staff lounge, no longer fighting but with each other but now Ginormous-Psycho-Mushroom dude has his arm draped over Eyeliner-Poster-boy, who's reading over sheets of paper while trying worm his way out of the taller one's grip. On Sehun's right there's a person who looks like a little kid, well if truth be told, like a cherubic  little girl, and this Little Girl-Guy has his foot across the couch on the lap of a very calm looking Chinese man, who actually looks more dazed and lost than calm. Then next to the Mushroom-Eyeliner duo is a man with the cheek bones of a Greek God, except he'd tripped Sehun on his way to the couch and flashed him a very disarming grin so Sehun decides that he's officially Mr. Cheekbones-of-Hades, there's also a Chinese guy with panda eyes who looks way too fashionable for a professor (also he has a strange emo aura), a guy with really squishy looking cheeks and a really tall imposing guy, who has not said a word, or lifted his eyes off his book (Premeditated Murder Made Easy) so Sehun's giving him a wide berth. Somewhere in the middle of this zoo, his old friend Jongin walks in. Jongin has landed the head position in the cafeteria and Sehun wonders exactly what horrors the students are in for.
But before he has a chance to wonder exactly how may hospitals will be full by the end of the day, the Director of Affairs, who's name Sehun knows is Joonmyeon, walks in with a smile that says "look-at-me-lowly-beings-I'm-an-angel" but he really looks like somebody's grandpa trying to be cool.
"Sehun ssi, glad you'll be joining us, you too Jongin ssi."
"Seriously?!" Squishy-Cheeks looks at at the Director with incredulous eyes. "You're giving cafeteria boy a welcome too?!" Then he looks over at Jongin apologetically. "No offense bro." Jongin shrugs.
"Anyhoo," the Joonmyeon carries on, "let me introduce you. That's Luhan, he lectures math." Little-Girl guy gives him a real angelic smile, that leaves Sehun mildly disturbed. "That's Chanyeol, Chem." Psychotic-Mushroom gives him a psychotic grin. "That's Baekhyun, Bio." The Eyeliner-poster-boy looks up in disdain.
"Hey kids, and it's Bio-logy."
"Yeah, okay, that's Jongdae, he's for Eco." Mr. Cheekbones-of-Hades grins at them.
"What's up shortstuff?" Jongin and Sehun raise eyebrows, because Jongdae looks atleast a head shorter than both of them.
"That's Tao, History of Art and Kris, English." Panda-Eyes and Potential-Murderer give him curt nods. "This is Minseok, Electronics." Squishy-Cheeks pouts and then smiles kindly (is that pity in his eyes?) at the two. "And this is Yixing, Chinese." There is no response as the dazed Yixing stares at the opposite wall with his eyes half-shut, and his ears plugged with purple earphones. "Yixing? Yixing? Yixi-"
BAM!
The door flies open and Yixing jumps up with a "I swear I was paying attention!", while Luhan's legs drops to the floor and he utters a yelp of protest. The person at the door looks like a sorry mess.
"I'm... sorry... I'm... late...." he manages to spout among the panting and gasping. Sehun notices his shirt looks terribly crumpled and his hair is more than askew, while his large eyes are watering and his cheeks are red. Sehun thinks this pint sized man looks like a soft toy, and he's about to say that to Jongin, when he realises that his friend is staring unabashedly at the new comer, with eyes wide enough to match his.
"Ayo! Wassup D.O.!" Luhan calls out chreerily, two decibels too loud and everyone visibly winces.
"Mobbed again Soo?" Minseok asks with a pat on "Soo's" back. He nods woefully.
"I don't even... they need some... so many people!!!!" Baekhyun rises from Chanyeol's grasp and gives his seat to "Soo" who gets engulfed into a bear-hug by the large Biology professor.
"Yeol-can't-breathe-let-go-" Chanyeol lets go with a hurried apology. He hears something snap, actually snap next to him, and he realises that Jongin has broken a pencil in two with his fingers while looking at Chanyeol like he was going to end up on the afternoon's lunch menu soon.
"How do they even find you?" Sehun almost fell out of his seat in shock at the deep baritone of Kris. "Soo" shook his head in utter defeat.
"I swear, someday I will find out." Sehun has the intense urge to hug this tiny man. He notices Jongin's knuckles have turned white.
"This is Kyungsoo," says Joonmyeon. "Sehun ssi, you'll be his assistant lecturer."
There's a suddenly loud crash and Sehun realises that Jongin has fallen out of his seat, and is now looking at Sehun with a face halfway between "I'm-in-terrible-pain" and "I-will-end-your-life"... why the second, Sehun does not know.
"You teach Languge?" Jongin asks Kyungsoo politely (too polite, thinks Sehun), while trying to act as if nothing had happened. Kyungsoo looks at him with the same curiosity that one might use to look at a monkey in a zoo.
"Yes, I do.."
"He totally D-O-e-s!" Quips a grinning Luhan. Kyungsoo rolls his eyes.
"Isn't it a bit too early to make fun of my last name?"
"Of course not Do-nut my man!"
"Argh!" Says Kyungsoo, ruffling his own hair in defeat. Suddenly Sehun feels himself being hauled upwards by two pairs of strong hands, and he lets out a very high pitched yelp.
"I'm borrowing him for a bit," says Jongin between gritted teeth and proceeds to drag him out of the door, ignoring the raised eyebrows and Jongdae's call of "play nice kids!" and slam him against the wall at the nearest corner.
"You're the Assistant prof.?" He demands.
"Ye-ah..." Sehun is very unsure of where this is headed.
"No~!" Wails Jongin and slumps to the floor. "You... but I... I mean this.... I- I don't want to work in the cafe!!"
"Why'd you even get a job there? You're-"
"Don't talk to me Oh Sehun!"
"What? You dragged me out here-"
"Zip! Do not talk!"
"Wha-?"
"Oh Sehun you're officially my mortal enemy- FOR LIFE!"
"Morta-"
"For LIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!" Says Jongin before stomping off. A second later Sehun hears a crash and a groan.
"Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry!" He peeks around the corner to see Jongin sprawled on the floor with a very concerned Kyungsoo hovering over him.
"Ooooh, you've D-O-n-e it now," whistles Luhan.
"Not now for god's sake! Are you okay?" Jongin groans and opens his eyes. Sehun notes his friend's interesting red colour over his tan skin.
"I'm hot!" Says Jongin springing up, and Kyungsoo takes a hasty step backwards, while Sehun mentally facepalms. "I- I mean I'm cool! Not- not that cool, but cool as in 'hey I'm okay'... oh wait that rhymed and umm.. I uhh-" He catches a sight of Sehun's impassive face around the corner. "For LIIIIIIIFE!!" And he bolts towards the stairs, leaving a very amused Luhan and Yixing and a very confused Kyungsoo in his wake. In fact, Sehun can almost hear Kyungsoo's internal comment on Jongin's sanity, or the lack of it.
So a loony bin, that just became loonier thanks to Kim Jongin, contemplates Sehun as he walks through the corridors. Students start pouring in, some looking at him in vague interest, others hurriedly rushing past.
He sees Chanyeol and Baekhyun animatedly discussing something, Lunhan, Yixing and Jongdae with their heads conspiratorially together, Joonmeyon walking through the corridors, smiling perkily at the students who  could not care less, Kris walking off with his nose still in the book ( Sehun is going to give him a very wide berth)  and Tao occasionally pauses to check his reflection in the mirror.
Yes, right now if someone could read Oh Sehun's mind, they'd hear him ask exactly what sin he's committed to end up here.
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This is the first chapter in the series, the following ones are going to focus on a few members at a time, rarely all 12.
I hope to get better at humor as I write so please bear with me and I'm happy to receive suggestions.
Xie xie,
ElfinJoy
P.S- in the summary, if you click on the highlighted names, you will get images of the members as I imagine them to be in the story!
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Cut Scene 1: Kim Jongdae and his Tape.

"Not fair... even Lunch-Boy gets a welcome and I got nothing when I came last month. Just 'Hey Minseok, this is your schedule, have fun.' Who the hell has fun in Trical?! People just stare-"
"SUUURPRIISE!!!"
"OH MY- oh very funny Jongdae... what's that?"
"This is a tape recorder and why yes, I did record my voice and then digitally layer it eleven times so it sounds like bunch of people and ta~da~!"
"Where the hell... do you even get the time...?"
"Wouldn't you like to know my little Minseokkie, ehehehehehee."
"I'm not your little Minseo-."
"Ehehehehehehee."
"The whole evil-hand-rubbing thing isn't working, so sto-."
"Ehehehehehehee."
"And nor is the high-pitched-maniacal laugh, just sto-"
"Ehehe-" THUNK!
"OH MY GOD! Did you just knock Jongdae out with that text book?!"
"Lu..han... I uhh-"
"HEY GUYS! WE NEED TO HOST A PARTY IN HONOUR OF MINSEOK! LIKE NOW!!"
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