Dear Dumbass

Dear Dumbass,
Have I ever told you how annoying you can be— singing You Are My Sunshine every morning into my ears, off key, only because you want breakfast.

Kyungsoo closes his eyes and wraps the blanket tighter around his head, expecting the onslaught as soon as he hears the bathroom door close.
"Oh Kyungsoo ~"
Five more minutes, lord, five more minutes of peace, he thinks.
"Wakey-wakey! Make eggs for Baekkie~"
"Go away Baekhyun," he groans. There's obviously zero compliance to his request as Baekhyun flops down on his bed and clears his throat.
"I'm never leaving, because," he beings. "YOU ARE MY SQUISHEEEEE, MY ONLY SQUISHY. YOU MAKE ME BREAKFAST— mmmfff!!!" Kyungsoo bolts up and puts the atrocious vocalist in a chokehold.
"Have Cheerios dammit!" He hisses.
"We're out," Baekhyun wheezes while slapping the arm around his neck. Kyungsoo removes his arm and pushes Baekhyun off his bed. He whimpers on the floor like a kicked puppy.
"Why the hell did I agree to getting an apartment with you?!" Mutters Kyungsoo, running his hand through his hair. Baekhyun rests his chin at the edge off the bed, and pouts up his roommate.
"Because I'm cute and irresistible?" He receives a blanket over his head and Kyungsoo drags himself to the kitchen.
"Dumbass."

Also because you yap too much. Is there an off button? Is it a manufacturing defect?

"Dude these sandwiches are killer!"
"I wish I was a killer," Kyungsoo mutters, looking out the window into the lawn. Baekhyun hums and then stops suddenly.
"Hey! Jongin! Sehun! Over here!"
Kyungsoo stops himself from rolling his eyes as Baekhyun waves over their juniors like an over excited poodle. Jongin makes a motion to sit opposite Kyungsoo but is halted by Baekhyun who drags him to the spot next to his bemused friend before seating himself beside Sehun.
"Haven't I made your day Jongin?" He grins. "Sitting next to Kyungsoo sunbae during lunch." The sunbae in question smacks the top of his head across the table. Jongin flushes a deep red over his tan skin.
"Don't pay attention to him. He doesn't have a filter between his brain and his mouth so he'll say just about anything." He smiles at the junior who turns even redder. "So I hear you're dancing at the fund raiser this weekend?"
"Yeah! It's a contemporary thing and I don't know if it's good or whatever but I mean it'd be great it if you could come to watch." Jongin draws a sharp breath after letting it out without breathing in between. Baekhyun breaks into laughter.
"Ohmygod, he's so cute! Date him Kyungsoo!" This earns him another smack cross his head. Jongin starts blubbering protests.
"Filter your damn thoughts dumbass and don't eat like a kid." Kyungsoo misses the sudden narrowing of Jongin's eyes and the widening ones of Baekhyun as he swipes his thumb over the corner of the latter's lips.

You're so random— sometimes I wonder what goes on inside your head; at other times I don't want to find out.

"Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo-Kyungsoo-Kyung—"
"What?" Kyungsoo hisses back, without removing his eyes from the blackboard. While he's quite alright with English, he's not so alright with Shakespearian English and he doesn't want to fail this semester because of the Bard.
"Kkaebsong ~"
"Wha—" Kyungsoo turns to meet a grinning Baekhyun with his tongue sticking out to which he receives a kick under the bench.
"Why do you wound me, sir, when I am but a gentle soul?"
"What utter rubbish," Kyungsoo whispers. "What do you want Baek?"
"You."
Kyungsoo starts, and whips  his eyes away from the blackboard a little quicker than he would admit to.
"Say what—"
"Mr. Do would you care to read from Lysander's dialogue?"
It's only after class that he gets to turn to Baekhyun with raised eyebrows. Somehow Baekhyun seems to know what he's getting at and leans back in his chair with a lazy smile.
"I kinda need you to make me breakfast forever and ever." He leans over and pinches the other's cheeks. "I'll call you squishy and your shall be mine!" Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and wrestles Baekhyun away from him.
"Go join cooking class dumbass."

At times I wonder why I put up with your drunken ramblings.

"Kyungsoo~ Oh Kyungsoo ~"
Sober, Byun Baekhyun is the very definition of handful. He's loud, sassy, almost obnoxious sometimes. Drunk, Byun Baekhyun makes Do Kyungsoo want to stab someone. Mostly himself. So that he doesn't have to drag his drunk roommate home.
"Why can't you ever let me drink in peace idiot," he complains to Baekhyun, whose right arm is slung over Kyungsoo's shoulder and the left is attempting a failed version of jazz hands while humming a strange version of You Are My Sunshine. "No, you have to come along and you have to get drunk and then I have to drag your dead weight home. Stop eating so much junk, you're getting fat." He glowers, readjusting the other's arm across his shoulders.
"Kyungsoo," whines Baekhyun. "Kyungsoo, do you think I'm pretty?" Or it sounds something like that because Baekhyun is sloshed beyond words.
"No you're not, you moron. Why do you even drink?!" Baekhyun turns to Kyungsoo with watery eyes.
"I'm not? No one thinks I'm pretty? You mean I'm going to die alone?" Kyungsoo rolls his eyes.
"No, I'm doomed to live with your ugly mug."
"Nooooo! You're going to run away to Jongin, because he's prettier!"
"Good lord Baekhyun. Fine," says Kyungsoo through gritted teeth as they reach their apartment. "You're the fairest of them all. Happy?" He stares in despair at the flight of steps leading up to their flat. Baekhyun goes back to humming, aptly pacified. "Dammit you lightweight, don't make me carry you up the stairs!"
But he does end up half dragging Baekhyun upstairs and then half carrying him indoors, mentally groaning at the thought of having carried Baekhyun over the threshold like newlyweds. So he throws him into bed with a little more force than required before softening, draping a blanket over his friend and climbing into his own bed.
"Kyungsoo?"
"Yes Baek?" He sighs.
"Did you know you're muscular now?"
"Yes Baek."
"Don't be. I won't be able to call you my squishy."
"Alright Baek."
Kyungsoo hears Baekhyun's breathing slow down and then closes his eyes.
"Kyungsoo."
The voice comes softer, almost asleep.
"Yes Baek?"
"I love you."
In spite of himself, Kyungsoo cracks a sleepy smile into the darkness.
"You're drunk Baek. Go to sleep."
"Okay...  Jongin can sleep with you... But come back in the morning… breakfast."
Kyungsoo throws a pillow at his bed.
"Dumbass."

Or your two am ones.

"What are you doing here? It's past two." Kyungsoo shuts the balcony door behind him and looks at Baekhyun crouched in the corner with his chin on his knees, stating at the skies.
"I can't sleep."
"I can see that," he says drily but sits down, touching shoulders with the the other.
"Do you know how many stars there are?"
"Loads, I guess," shrugs Kyungsoo. He hears sighs, which Kyungsoo thinks is very unusual for the hyper-charged, overgrown child.
"I feel so insignificant."
"Because there are too many stars to count?"
"No," Baekhyun sighs again and Kyungsoo begins to worry. "I'm twenty one and I haven't even begun to achieve anything or make a difference. I had grand plans, you know."
"Did they involve become a pop star because dude," Kyungsoo purses his lips. Baekhyun doesn't respond to the jibe. Kyungsoo nudges him with his shoulder.
"Hey, you're not seriously upset, are you?" He doesn't get a response. "You're destined for good things Byun Baekhyun. Not great because you need to install that filter in your mouth first." He quirks his lips to a still unresponsive Baekhyun. Kyungsoo drapes an arm over his shoulder and pats the side of his face.
"What if I never amount to anything?" Baekhyun asks, resting his head between Kyungsoo's neck and shoulder. He stares at the starless city sky, a little teary eyed for reasons unknown.
"Then I'll cook breakfast for you until you do."
"You won't ditch me?"
"Never. I can't promise not to kill you, but I'm not ditching you."
"I love you squishy."
"Don't be hormonal, dumbass."

Probably because you put up with mine.

"Fun fact, owls are nocturnal creatures. I'm glad to see that you've finally accepted your heritage."
Kyungsoo looks up from the kitchen island, utterly unamused at Baekhyun who emerges from the bedroom, while rubbing his eyes.
"What do you want Baekhyun?"
"Relax, I'm here to make tea, and to talk if you want to."
For a while, there's some sort of silence as Baekhyun clinks cups and saucepans with spoons and it slows down to the monotony of the sound of boiling water.
"I don't know if I'm making the right choice."
"Hmm?"
"Dropping English after university for Culinary school…. What if I never make it? What if I'm never good enough?"
"You're joking right? You? Not good enough? Do you even eat your own food?! People would have to have dead taste buds to dislike it! Seriously!" Kyungsoo can't help but crack a smile at Baekhyun waving his arms around in exasperation. Still, his worries weigh heavily on his mind and the smile drops.
"It's a tough world out there and there's always someone better."
"Okay." Baekhyun sets a mug of tea down before Kyungsoo. "One, no one is better than my squishy. Two, even if you're not the best, you'll still be amazing. I don't see why you can't see that."
"Sometimes I forget you're the older one," Kyungsoo says before taking a sip.  Baekhyun preens.
"Yes, so you should listen to me." He received a snort in response.
"Oh please you're only a few months older and we're in the same class."
"That's only because your smart ass decided to skip a year of middle school."
"That's only because your dumb ass didn't."
Baekhyun breaks into a smile at Kyungsoo's cocky smirk.
"Besides, if you can't make it big, I'll hire you as my chef." The younger of the two rolls his eyes, but this time his smile stays on.
"Please learn to cook. Or find someone else. That Park Chanyeol guy from Economics keeps making googly eyes at you."
"Nah, he makes them at you. Everyone makes googly eyes at you."
"So everyone's in love with me," scoffs Kyungsoo, resting his chin on his palm and smirking at the other.
"Duh, but I was first okay. You're mine. At the very least you can only cook for me. Don't cook for Jongin!" Baekhyun makes a heart in his direction to which Kyungsoo drops his head into his hands.
"Go sleep dumbass."

But seriously, how does one person manage to drive me over the edge single handedly?

"Just shut up and give your ideas when they're worth something okay? The rest of us are trying to work."
There is an oppressive silence that drops over the class as Baekhyun backs away from the table where everyone was gathered for a group presentation. Kyungsoo silently fumes, instantly regretting his onslaught but too angry and pressured to apologize.
"Fine."
Kyungsoo tries to focus. But in the absence of his best friend he only hastily hands out the workload to the others before rushing out into the corridor where he finds Baekhyun sitting on a windowsill, chewing on his lower lip.
"Baekhyun…?"
"What?" It's only when he hears the unnatural sharpness in Baekhyun's voice that Kyungsoo knows he's messed up bad.
"I'm sorry."
"What for?"
"For being an ass to you. I was mad but I shouldn't have. Your ideas matter…"
Baekhyun raises an eyebrow.
"Oh so they suddenly matter now?" Kyungsoo flinches, unable to meet eyes anymore as he feels a helpless need to throw his arms around the other and hug him until he was forgiven.
"I'm sorry," he says instead, in the smallest of voices that startles Baekhyun.
"It's okay. I know I was being an ass. You were an ass to me but I was asking for it." Kyungsoo looks up with a small grin.
"We're cool?"
"Yeah…. We're cool."
Baekhyun is surprised when Kyungsoo closes the gap between them in less than two steps, tightly wrapping his frame in a bone-crushing hug but he smiles brightly at the opposite wall and returns the hug.

Don't even get me started on the constant claims of "I'm never letting you go."

"Here, don't keep it for too long. It'll spoil." Baekhyun nods at the box in his hands. "There's loads so don't be miserly and share with Joonmyun and Yixing hyung."
"Fine!" Pouts Baekhyun. "I'll share! Meanie…" He grumbles. Kyungsoo ruffles his hair with a laugh.
"Have fun camping. Give me a call when you reach." Baekhyun gives him a thumbs up.
"Don't I get a kiss?"
"What?"
"You packed me lunch. Now don't I get a kiss before I leave?" All he gets it a light rap on his head.
"Just go dummy, and don't leave the food out in the sun."
"So eager to see me go," sniffles Baekhyun as he wears his shoes. "But don't worry! You're not getting rid of me that easily! I'm never letting you leave! I'll irritate you forever and you'll cook for me forever. Mwahahaha!" Kyungsoo pokes his cheeks.
"I'm not leaving, but you need to if you want to get to the others before they leave."
Baekhyun runs downstairs and then Kyungsoo watches as he pauses beneath their window.
"Miss me loads!!" He calls out, before blowing kisses and running off towards the waiting cab. Kyungsoo nods, laughing silently at the receding figure across the street.

You liar.

Three days later, it strikes Kyungsoo as odd when he opens the door to find a shaken Joonmyun and Yixing, instead of a wildly ecstatic Baekhyun bursting to the rim with camping tales.
"Kyungsoo-yah…"
Kyungsoo stares, wide-eyed from one to the other.
"Baekhyunnie…?" He offers timidly, but his chest contracts at the sight of their shifting gazes.
"Baekhyun…." Yixing begins with a quiver in his voice. "We lost him last morning after he went off on a walk.… we did find him… but he's been hurt bad. They think he fell off the cliff and he's lost a lot of blood. He's at the hospital now… if you want to come?"
"Oh." Kyungsoo isn't sure if it's the appropriate word for the situation but it's the only word he's capable of uttering.

You bloody liar.

Baekhyun, if not for his blue lips, would have looked like he was asleep. Kyungsoo thinks as much when his feet lead him beside the other, sidestepping the tubes and wiring that led to a dead monitor. Only it wasn't the monitor that was lifeless. Kyungsoo gingerly brushes his index finger against Baekhyun's cheek.
"When is he waking up?" He asks with a voice cracked from disuse. Yixing and Joonmyun look at each other.
"He's… he's not… Kyungsoo he lost too much blood and developed an infection. They couldn't help him…" Joonmyun gently places a hand on his shoulder.
"No, don't worry," Kyungsoo continues blankly. "Baekhyun is a heavy sleeper, but he always wakes up to wake me up for breakfast. Right, Baek? Baekhyun? Baekhyunnie?"

How dare you?

"I'm sorry sir, we're going to have to remove the body—"
"He's not a body. He's going to wake up."
"Kyungsoo…"
Outside he hears violent sobs outside. It's probably Baekhyun's parents, he realizes somewhere in the back of his mind as his fingers close around Baekhyun's cold ones.
"You'd better be up soon," he whispers. "You've got so much to tell me, haven't you?" It's strange to see Baekhyun so still. He tucks a stray strand of hair behind the other's ear and pats his cheeks. Kyungsoo somewhat knows that he should be crying too but all he feels is a dull ache in his chest as they wheel the bed away and Baekhyun's fingers slips through his own. He knows he's about to pass out from the swaying and breathlessness he's experiencing but all he can do is stare at Baekhyun being taken away before his vision turns black.

Do you know how long it's taken for me to realize that you're really and truly gone?

Kyungsoo stares at the ceiling. He hasn't been able to turn the lights out completely since Baekhyun— how long has it been? Three days? Four? He hasn't slept properly is just as long a while. He removes his phone from his night stand and opens up his chat box with Baekhyun.

Wednesday 01:23 am
Byun Baek! When are you coming home?
Thursday 12:03 am
Byun Baek! I made too much food aren't you going to eat it?
Thursday 12:34 am
I couldn't sleep last night.
Friday 04:20 am
There's a cat in the balcony. Thought you should know.
Friday 3:30 pm
Class is so boring. No one disturbs me anymore.
Friday 3:36 pm
Aren't you going to disturb me anymore?
Friday 6:45 pm
Aren't you coming for dinner? I made your favorite spaghetti.
Friday 11:08 pm
Baekhyun-ah….?

He sighs, keying in a new message.

Today 02:18 am
When are you coming back? I miss you.

The room sounds quiet at night when I hold my breath and can't hear yours. It's empty when no one wakes me up with that god-awful rendition of You Are My Sunshine. Everything around me feels so large and vacant.

Kyungsoo makes his way through the supermarket because he does remember to eat. With or without Baekhyun, the college finals will take place and with Kyungsoo in it. So he has to survive somehow. The Kyungsoo that walks down the aisles off food is a blank, zombified Kyungsoo whose mind and spirit have been beaten into numbness. His hand automatically reaches out towards the sweetened energy bars that he's so used to chiding Baekhyun for and freezes for a second before placing it in his basket.

How long before I stop expecting your stupid grin at the start of each day? How long before I stop seeing that same grin in my dreams and waking up in tears? How long before I laugh without feeling guilty? How long before people stop looking at me like I might break any second? How long before every damn thing stops reminding me of you? How long before my world stops revolving around the memories I have of you?

Kyungsoo places a rose on Baekhyun's side table and sits down on the strange bed. He unbuttons collar and stares at the ceiling. It had been a nice funeral. Baekhyun would have loved that everyone made an effort to be happy at his funeral. He would have also hated that Kyungsoo only sat there and stared at the coffin.

Your side of the room is still a mess. I haven't been able to clean it. Your pillow still smells of that disgusting strawberry shampoo. I know because I've clung onto it ever since you left.

Kyungsoo opens the drawer in Baekhyun's dresser, not expecting to find much but still looking for something that is the other's. It's unimpressive at best— scraps of paper, newspaper, pencils and pencil shavings, erasers, pens without lids— basically junk. But separated from that junk is a white polaroid, pristinely preserved towards one slide. Kyungsoo realizes it was probably taken during a party in their first year; with Kyungsoo looking done with life and Baekhyun too full of it. Their cheeks are pressed together, and Baekhyun's dazzling smile makes up for whatever Kyungsoo's small smirk lacks.

Can't you come back for a bit?

On the other side are the words "My Squishy Soo!!" and a giant pink heart that is so obnoxious— and so, so Baekhyun— that Kyungsoo can't help the harsh laugh that escapes him, only to be turned into a pained wail. He curls up on the bed, holding the picture, and Baekhyun's pillow, to his chest as the pent up sorrow of several days finally weighs down upon him. All he can do is desperately call Baekhyun's name over and over and over until he doesn't have the voice to do so anymore.

Can't you come back for a bit so I can tell you that I'm in love with you?

Do Kyungsoo.

A Series of (God-Awfully Unfortunate) Events: Chapter 2

Pairings: OT12, KaiSoo(?) (more later)
Rating: PG 13 (to be safe)
Summary:   In which, Sehun is the new Assistant professor of Language; Jongin mysteriously landed a job in the cafeteria; Kris' English major students are failing; Yixing is the calm Chinese teacher who helps the music club undercover; Kyungsoo is the sweet and oblivious, yet regularly mobbed by fans, Language professor; Luhan is the seemingly sweet Mathematics professor plotting to steal the new Assistant Professor; Jongdae is the snarky Economics professor, with a deadly inner troll; Minseok is the new Electronic Engineering professor whom no one pays any attention to; Tao is the History of Arts professor who (not so) secretly works as a part-time Gucci model; Chanyeol is the grinning Biology teacher; Baekhyun is a diva of a Chemistry teacher; Joonmyeon is the Director of  Affairs, who has no control whatsoever and the Dean of the college is a man so evil that the devil drinks wine with him (by devil we mean Cho Kyuhyun).
____________________________________________________________




















Crouching Gull, Hidden Panda...
[Or: what starts as "Gull I can't explain what I feel" and ends at "You're a model??!"]
•
•
•

The staff room is dark when Sehun enters, only lit by four candles on a desk against one side. The others sit around minding their own businesses, occasionally  looking at each other with raised eyebrows. Sehun moves to turn on a light.
"STAHP GULL!!!" Sehun recoils. On one end of the room, Jongdae sits on a desk, with his legs crossed, his eyes closed, hands aloft by his sides and a towel wrapped around his head like a turban.
"Wha-" Begins Sehun.
"Sssshhh, I'm getting feeeeeeeels."
"What the..?!"
"FeeeEEEeeeEEEeeEEEels."
Kyungsoo throws Jongdae a scathing look in the dark as the "ee"s subside. Luhan flourishes his arm towards his right.
"Welcome to Jongdae time, bro." Sehun raises his brows.
"Wha-?" He gets cut off once more.
"Hush gull! I can't explain what I feeeeel."
"Who's asked you to?" Hisses Baekhyun from the couch. Chanyeol looks oddly fascinated. Jongin however stares unblinkingly at Kyungsoo from his chair.
"My Feeeeeels!!" Exclaims Jongdae again.
"What the hell are you feeling?!" Snaps Minseok.
"I'm feeeeeeeling something......."
"What is Jongdae doing?" Whispers Sehun to Luhan and Yixing.
"GULL!!" Sehun jumps when he realises Jongae has some how crept up behind him. "I'm not the awesome Kim Jongdae, right now, I'm The Chensing Masheen." He finishes with a flourished bow, which causes the turban to tumble off of his head and he saves it, except now an edge of the towel covers his right eye.
"Don't ask the question. Don't ask the question. Don't ask the question," mutters Yixing beside him.
"Wha..? Anyway, what is "The Chensing Masheen?"
"Aaaand he asked the question," groans Luhan. Yixing facepalms. Jongdae grins like a cat with cream and and rubs his paws together.
"I'm so glad you asked my ignorant friend," he purrs, "The Chensing Masheen will answer all your most burning questions!"
"What questions?"
"Aaaaand he asked again!" Luhan throws Sehun a dirty look to which he receives a blank stare. Jongdae circles the furniture like a vulture and does his best Dracula stance behind Kris.
"'Vell my leetteel friend," Kris cringes at the sound. "I can tell you everytheeeng! Everytheeeeeng. Vat do you vant to know."
"Ummm... are you identity confused?" Pipes up Jongin. "Cuz the Dracula voice is weird...."
"GULL!!" Kris flinches as Jongdae Jumps on top of the couch. "You are ze confused one!"
"Huh...?"
"Jongdae stop jumping on the couch." Mutters Kris.
"Uh-uh-un gull~ You know this is Jongdae time." Kris rubs his temples.
"Just get off the couch."
"Just get off the couch what~?"
"Please?" Sighs Kris. Jongdae takes one leg off of the couch.
"How about nah gull~" He says in a singsong voice and jumps harder for extra effect. Kris' eyes snap open.
"How about yes." There's something strangely commanding in his voice that makes Jongdae stop for a brief second, which gives Kris enough time to grab the shorter around the mid riff and hoist him up.
"Hey- Dude- What the hell??!!"
"Tao!" Yells Kris, but apparently Tao doesn't need to be told as he grabs Jongdae's thrashing legs and the two hold him between then swinging in the air.
"Gull this is not funny!! You lost a bet to me!! I shall have my Jongdae time!!"
"No you don'- oof!" Groans Kris as Jongdae's bony elbow hits him in the chest. "I've had enough of you calling people aquatic birds and prancing around like Dracula!"
"I will have my revenge I tell you! I will return and haunt you to your graves! Revenge!! Reven-" Thud.
"Oops, that was totally unintentional," grins Tao, as he maneuvers Jongdae past the door correctly. Jongdae glowers darkly.
"Let's go dump this body Tao..." Mutters Kris as Jongdae gives him a horrified look.
The bell rings and the other professors start filing out to their classes. Jongin grudgingly returns to his post at the cateen throwing longing glances back at Kyungsoo as he does, only to bash into Yixing's bookshelf and rush out from under Kyungsoo's very confused gaze.
 Kyungsoo taps Sehun on the shoulder."You don't have to come with me for this class, I'll call for you later, okay?" Sehun nods.
"Umm... hyung?" He eyes Kyungsoo carefully, judging the only sane person in a staff room full of insane people. he thinks it's afe to question him and expect a normal answer.
"Hmm?"
"What was that all about?" Kyungsoo laughs.
"Well, around last sem, he won a bet against us and ever since he gets "Jongdae Time" once a month to piss the life out of us. It usually ends that way too." He sighs. "Well, I'll be off... and uh.. not to be rude... but is your friend okay in the head...? I mean he is the guy responsible for our food."
"He used to be.... almost normal..." Says Sehun, pretty much unsure of Jongin's mental heath himself. Kyungsoo smiles knowingly and picks up his books.
Sehun starts working on reading some student essays and wonders what language he's reading for the most part (it's supposed to be Korean) until someone clears his throat nest to him.
"Yeah...?" He looks uneasily up at Tao. For the three weeks that he's been here, Tao is the person he's spoken the least too, and it probably had something to do with the fact that the other gave off a dangerous emo aura and stuck to Kris like glue for the most part, so he doesn't quite process it when Tao asks him a favour- specially a favour like this.
"You want me to what?!"
"Umm.... go shopping with me....? The mall is fifteen minutes away!" Sehun thinks he looks like an a wolf trying to make puppy eyes, and oddly succeeding.
"So creepy...," mutters Sehun.
"What?"
"I said, what happened to Kris hyung?"
"He's busy... doing Canadian stuff," shrugs Tao.
"Wha- what about Kyungsoo hyung? He could go with you after class."
"He's busy doing Korean stuff...?
"How about Luhan hyung? Or Yixing hyung?" Sehun takes a last shot.
"Oh them... they're busy doing... stuff..." Says Tao ominously.
"Stuff...?"
"It's best nobody knows what those two are up to." He shudders. Sehun wonders, at the back of his mind, if its Jongin that's affecting the sanity level of this place or is the place affecting Jongin? He sighs in resignation.
"Yeah okay, I'll go." Tao's eyes turn into crescents as he gives Sehun an awkward hug (well it's awkward for Sehun) and he runs out calling,
"See you downstairs in five!"


"HOLY SHIT!!! That's you!! And that!! And that one too!!"
"Wh-wha- hehe.. you must be seeing things...."
"No I'm positive it's you!" Sehun flaps the magazine at Tao's face, while the latter takes a step backwards.
"That's just some, very good-looking guy, who happens to look like me," insists Tao. Sehun raises his eyebrows and points to the two posters on either sides of the display window of the store.
"What about those?"
"Same, ridiculously good-looking guy."
"I don't believe it! You're a Gucci model??!"
"Shhhhh!!" Tao covers Sehun's mouth with a hand. "It's supposed to be a secret!!"
"Pfft, everyone knows," says a soft voice behind Sehun, causing him to jump into Tao.
"Tsk, tsk, kids these days. Mind the PDA," says another voice. Sehun detaches himself from Tao and looks to see Yixing and Luhan.
"You practically wanted us to know," says Luhan. "You left all those magazines when they came out and dragged us to the mall all the time."
"You've been played kid," grins Yixing. Sehun raises an eyebrow at Tao who blushes.
"I-it's not like that! I really do have stuff to buy," he says, ducking behind a shirt rack.
"Sure~ Come on XingXing, our job here is done~"
"Don't call me that."
Sehun watches the two of them leave and looks at Tao.
"How did they get here...? I thought they had class...."
"Noooobody will ever know..." Tao's voice wafts over from the shirt section.
"Talk about your crouching dragon, hidden panda," sighs Sehun. Tao peeps out from behind a section of fluorescent shirts and grins at him.
"You can pick anything you like, you know? One for free. I'll put it on my tab."
"You can do that?" Tao nods. Sehun returns him a grin of his own. "You're a good man, my friend."
"So we're cool?"
"Oh we are colder than cool," says Sehun before attacking a sunglasses stand with gusto.
"Err... okay then..."
"Is there a price limit?"
"Yes.."
"We're a little less cool now."

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This is a picture of the staff room and Suho's office.
I hope to get better at humor as I write so please bear with me and I'm happy to receive suggestions.
Xie xie,
ElfinJoy
P.S- in the summary, if you click on the highlighted names, you will get images of the members as I imagine them to be in the story! Also if you click the highlighted words when Sehun talks about Tao being a model, you'll see the pictures (I think you'll want to, after all who doesn't want a hot Taozi!) 
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Cut Scene 2: Kim Jongdae and his Tape again.

"So wanna go get gelato later XingXing...?"
"I told you not to call me that, Luhan."
"Why?? It sounds cute!"
"No, it sounds silly."
"What? Dude! I've given you the most amazing name on planet earth and you slander it like that!! For shame Zhang Yixing! For-"
"SUUURRRRRPRIISE!!!"
"AAAAARRGH!!"
"HEY! Get off of me Luhan!" Click. 
"Oh my pure blackmail gold."
"What the hell Jongdae just give it back!!"
"What the hell Lu, get off of me!!"
"Ooo you two are so precious."
"Get off of my lap you oaf!!
"Who are you calling an oaf!!?? I'm as light as a fawn! And give that back Jongdae!!"
"Nope my pretties, I'm so milking this one! Mwahahahhah!!"
"I think my thighs are dead."
"Shut up XingXing! Get back here Kim Jongdae!!"
"Catch me if you can~ Mwahahahhah!!"
"No Xing- Put that diction-"
"Stop right there!!"
"Nope~ Mwahaha-" THUNK!
"Uhh.... we might have to dispose off of his body XingXing." THUNK!
"Huh... looks like I have to dispose two now..."
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A Series of (God-Awfully Unfortunate) Events: Chapter 1

Pairings: OT12, KaiSoo(?) (more later)
Rating: PG 13 (to be safe)
Summary:   In which, Sehun is the new Assistant  professor of Language; Jongin mysteriously landed a job in the cafeteria; Kris' English major students are failing; Yixing is the calm Chinese teacher who helps the music club undercover; Kyungsoo is the sweet and oblivious, yet regularly mobbed by fans, Language professor; Luhan is the seemingly sweet Mathematics professor plotting to steal the new Assistant Professor; Jongdae is the snarky Economics professor, with a deadly inner troll; Minseok is the new Electronic Engineering professor whom no one pays any attention to; Tao is the History of Arts professor who (not so) secretly works as a part-time Gucci model; Chanyeol is the grinning Biology teacher; Baekhyun is a diva of a Chemistry teacher; Joonmyeon is the Director of  Affairs, who has no control whatsoever and the Dean of the college is a man so evil that the devil drinks wine with him (by devil we mean Cho Kyuhyun).
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This Could Be the Start of Something New...
[Or: what starts at "why the hell did I come here?!" and ends at "you are my mortal enemy— FOR LIFE!!!"]
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•
•
Oh Sehun is your average Joe, except he's Korean, so maybe he's an average "Kim", but he's obviously an "Oh", not a "Kim" so... anyway, the point is, if he was an American. he'd be an average Joe. An average guy, with an average family, from an average town, with an average job, until his parents forced him to go to Seoul for work.... but he's still an average guy- wondering what he's done to end up in this loony bin.
It hasn't been five minutes since he's entered the campus and two minutes of those five have been wasted by a human traffic jam, caused by the onlookers of a fight between two people, one of whom looked like a very tall Psychotic Clown, with a weird blonde mushroom growing out of his head and the other was a very tiny (or did he just look tiny because of the giant mushroom guy, wonders Sehun) guy, who looked like he was the spokesperson for Eyeliner rights, both of whom were hurling insults at each other...

"You Sone of a bicarbonate!"
"You're the Sone! The Sone of a Brachybacterium!"
"Why you freaking nitrate of ammonia-"

Sehun hadn't waited there for much longer before making dash in the opposite direction and yet by some sad twist of fate, here those two are sitting opposite him in the staff lounge, no longer fighting but with each other but now Ginormous-Psycho-Mushroom dude has his arm draped over Eyeliner-Poster-boy, who's reading over sheets of paper while trying worm his way out of the taller one's grip. On Sehun's right there's a person who looks like a little kid, well if truth be told, like a cherubic  little girl, and this Little Girl-Guy has his foot across the couch on the lap of a very calm looking Chinese man, who actually looks more dazed and lost than calm. Then next to the Mushroom-Eyeliner duo is a man with the cheek bones of a Greek God, except he'd tripped Sehun on his way to the couch and flashed him a very disarming grin so Sehun decides that he's officially Mr. Cheekbones-of-Hades, there's also a Chinese guy with panda eyes who looks way too fashionable for a professor (also he has a strange emo aura), a guy with really squishy looking cheeks and a really tall imposing guy, who has not said a word, or lifted his eyes off his book (Premeditated Murder Made Easy) so Sehun's giving him a wide berth. Somewhere in the middle of this zoo, his old friend Jongin walks in. Jongin has landed the head position in the cafeteria and Sehun wonders exactly what horrors the students are in for.
But before he has a chance to wonder exactly how may hospitals will be full by the end of the day, the Director of Affairs, who's name Sehun knows is Joonmyeon, walks in with a smile that says "look-at-me-lowly-beings-I'm-an-angel" but he really looks like somebody's grandpa trying to be cool.
"Sehun ssi, glad you'll be joining us, you too Jongin ssi."
"Seriously?!" Squishy-Cheeks looks at at the Director with incredulous eyes. "You're giving cafeteria boy a welcome too?!" Then he looks over at Jongin apologetically. "No offense bro." Jongin shrugs.
"Anyhoo," the Joonmyeon carries on, "let me introduce you. That's Luhan, he lectures math." Little-Girl guy gives him a real angelic smile, that leaves Sehun mildly disturbed. "That's Chanyeol, Chem." Psychotic-Mushroom gives him a psychotic grin. "That's Baekhyun, Bio." The Eyeliner-poster-boy looks up in disdain.
"Hey kids, and it's Bio-logy."
"Yeah, okay, that's Jongdae, he's for Eco." Mr. Cheekbones-of-Hades grins at them.
"What's up shortstuff?" Jongin and Sehun raise eyebrows, because Jongdae looks atleast a head shorter than both of them.
"That's Tao, History of Art and Kris, English." Panda-Eyes and Potential-Murderer give him curt nods. "This is Minseok, Electronics." Squishy-Cheeks pouts and then smiles kindly (is that pity in his eyes?) at the two. "And this is Yixing, Chinese." There is no response as the dazed Yixing stares at the opposite wall with his eyes half-shut, and his ears plugged with purple earphones. "Yixing? Yixing? Yixi-"
BAM!
The door flies open and Yixing jumps up with a "I swear I was paying attention!", while Luhan's legs drops to the floor and he utters a yelp of protest. The person at the door looks like a sorry mess.
"I'm... sorry... I'm... late...." he manages to spout among the panting and gasping. Sehun notices his shirt looks terribly crumpled and his hair is more than askew, while his large eyes are watering and his cheeks are red. Sehun thinks this pint sized man looks like a soft toy, and he's about to say that to Jongin, when he realises that his friend is staring unabashedly at the new comer, with eyes wide enough to match his.
"Ayo! Wassup D.O.!" Luhan calls out chreerily, two decibels too loud and everyone visibly winces.
"Mobbed again Soo?" Minseok asks with a pat on "Soo's" back. He nods woefully.
"I don't even... they need some... so many people!!!!" Baekhyun rises from Chanyeol's grasp and gives his seat to "Soo" who gets engulfed into a bear-hug by the large Biology professor.
"Yeol-can't-breathe-let-go-" Chanyeol lets go with a hurried apology. He hears something snap, actually snap next to him, and he realises that Jongin has broken a pencil in two with his fingers while looking at Chanyeol like he was going to end up on the afternoon's lunch menu soon.
"How do they even find you?" Sehun almost fell out of his seat in shock at the deep baritone of Kris. "Soo" shook his head in utter defeat.
"I swear, someday I will find out." Sehun has the intense urge to hug this tiny man. He notices Jongin's knuckles have turned white.
"This is Kyungsoo," says Joonmyeon. "Sehun ssi, you'll be his assistant lecturer."
There's a suddenly loud crash and Sehun realises that Jongin has fallen out of his seat, and is now looking at Sehun with a face halfway between "I'm-in-terrible-pain" and "I-will-end-your-life"... why the second, Sehun does not know.
"You teach Languge?" Jongin asks Kyungsoo politely (too polite, thinks Sehun), while trying to act as if nothing had happened. Kyungsoo looks at him with the same curiosity that one might use to look at a monkey in a zoo.
"Yes, I do.."
"He totally D-O-e-s!" Quips a grinning Luhan. Kyungsoo rolls his eyes.
"Isn't it a bit too early to make fun of my last name?"
"Of course not Do-nut my man!"
"Argh!" Says Kyungsoo, ruffling his own hair in defeat. Suddenly Sehun feels himself being hauled upwards by two pairs of strong hands, and he lets out a very high pitched yelp.
"I'm borrowing him for a bit," says Jongin between gritted teeth and proceeds to drag him out of the door, ignoring the raised eyebrows and Jongdae's call of "play nice kids!" and slam him against the wall at the nearest corner.
"You're the Assistant prof.?" He demands.
"Ye-ah..." Sehun is very unsure of where this is headed.
"No~!" Wails Jongin and slumps to the floor. "You... but I... I mean this.... I- I don't want to work in the cafe!!"
"Why'd you even get a job there? You're-"
"Don't talk to me Oh Sehun!"
"What? You dragged me out here-"
"Zip! Do not talk!"
"Wha-?"
"Oh Sehun you're officially my mortal enemy- FOR LIFE!"
"Morta-"
"For LIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!" Says Jongin before stomping off. A second later Sehun hears a crash and a groan.
"Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry!" He peeks around the corner to see Jongin sprawled on the floor with a very concerned Kyungsoo hovering over him.
"Ooooh, you've D-O-n-e it now," whistles Luhan.
"Not now for god's sake! Are you okay?" Jongin groans and opens his eyes. Sehun notes his friend's interesting red colour over his tan skin.
"I'm hot!" Says Jongin springing up, and Kyungsoo takes a hasty step backwards, while Sehun mentally facepalms. "I- I mean I'm cool! Not- not that cool, but cool as in 'hey I'm okay'... oh wait that rhymed and umm.. I uhh-" He catches a sight of Sehun's impassive face around the corner. "For LIIIIIIIFE!!" And he bolts towards the stairs, leaving a very amused Luhan and Yixing and a very confused Kyungsoo in his wake. In fact, Sehun can almost hear Kyungsoo's internal comment on Jongin's sanity, or the lack of it.
So a loony bin, that just became loonier thanks to Kim Jongin, contemplates Sehun as he walks through the corridors. Students start pouring in, some looking at him in vague interest, others hurriedly rushing past.
He sees Chanyeol and Baekhyun animatedly discussing something, Lunhan, Yixing and Jongdae with their heads conspiratorially together, Joonmeyon walking through the corridors, smiling perkily at the students who  could not care less, Kris walking off with his nose still in the book ( Sehun is going to give him a very wide berth)  and Tao occasionally pauses to check his reflection in the mirror.
Yes, right now if someone could read Oh Sehun's mind, they'd hear him ask exactly what sin he's committed to end up here.
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This is the first chapter in the series, the following ones are going to focus on a few members at a time, rarely all 12.
I hope to get better at humor as I write so please bear with me and I'm happy to receive suggestions.
Xie xie,
ElfinJoy
P.S- in the summary, if you click on the highlighted names, you will get images of the members as I imagine them to be in the story!
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Cut Scene 1: Kim Jongdae and his Tape.

"Not fair... even Lunch-Boy gets a welcome and I got nothing when I came last month. Just 'Hey Minseok, this is your schedule, have fun.' Who the hell has fun in Trical?! People just stare-"
"SUUURPRIISE!!!"
"OH MY- oh very funny Jongdae... what's that?"
"This is a tape recorder and why yes, I did record my voice and then digitally layer it eleven times so it sounds like bunch of people and ta~da~!"
"Where the hell... do you even get the time...?"
"Wouldn't you like to know my little Minseokkie, ehehehehehee."
"I'm not your little Minseo-."
"Ehehehehehehee."
"The whole evil-hand-rubbing thing isn't working, so sto-."
"Ehehehehehehee."
"And nor is the high-pitched-maniacal laugh, just sto-"
"Ehehe-" THUNK!
"OH MY GOD! Did you just knock Jongdae out with that text book?!"
"Lu..han... I uhh-"
"HEY GUYS! WE NEED TO HOST A PARTY IN HONOUR OF MINSEOK! LIKE NOW!!"
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